This written work is the intellectual property of Cereus Kaii (PTY) ltd as per the Copyright Act no98 of 1978 and may not be published (unless shared via this link on social media) without permission.
In this life , what hurts me most is the fact that there continues to be a disconnect between myself and others.
I can’t keep a friend. I can’t even connect to the people I care about the most.
And, I often fail to notice when someone cares about me.
I wish, that I were like them. To be understood and to be understanding .
And the more I stay on my own the more out of touch and out of tact I become. My social-interaction skills are basically on asystole. Earlier on I’d spent a week with my mom and sister. Unable to connect with them in the way I’d have liked to.Couldn’t even ask a simple question without being met with a rude remark or a loud and sarcastic response . So I stopped asking anything. Kept quiet and kept to myself. Conversations became exhausting because they were one-way efforts. It was always me trying and them not being interested.
Their lives were so fast. And they weren’t interested in spending time together in the way that I thought they’d be. So I froze. And it felt terrible. It was so bad that even when they reached out, I was shut down. And it’s really hard to turn back up when you’re already down in the dark. It’s a self-consuming process.Because I am growing sick of the taste of my blood on strangers’ floors , I’ve committed to understand that I will never understand , And never be understood.
I won’t connect with anyone in this world. Gonna stop reaching out and reach within instead. Take myself out of social equations. No one will even miss my presence, I can bet my remaining life on that. And how can anyone miss someone they’ve never known?
I suppose we all feel that distance sometimes. Only some of us feel it all the time. Always misperceived. People will keep thinking I’m unsure about anything because people look at appearances and stereotypes. People don’t listen and evaluate what’s in front of them. People are lazy. They’ll keep thinking I’m being sarcastic when I apologise. And I will keep thinking they’re being honest when they’re being sarcastic. The social seesaw is in constant conflict. The two parties never meet at the center of equipoise .
This is my cue.
I’ll be getting off here.
